Sometimes what looks like love is really the inability to let another person have a life of their own.
Field Notes
Some forms of “unselfishness” do not make more room for other people; they quietly take the room over. A person may pride themselves on giving, helping, anticipating every need, and appearing to ask for nothing in return, while still leaving everyone around them feeling managed, crowded, or unable to breathe. Care can become a way of remaining central.
What makes this difficult is that love, taste, and control are often passed down together. A daughter may be trying to build a life of her own and still find herself repeating some of the very patterns she is trying to outgrow. The problem is not generosity itself. It is the kind of giving that cannot allow another person to become fully separate.